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Three reasons why we should apologize
1. An apology can help repair a wounded relationship. The apology might not help at all, but if it really is beyond repair, make sure that it is not because of you.
2. An apology can help rebuild the dignity of the one you have hurt. Good people care about the hurt of other people, especially if they had anything to do with the wound.
3. An apology will allow others to see that you are not proud of what you did and will not repeat that kind of behavior. It will show others the kind of person you really are. Refusing to apologize will also show others the kind of person you are.
Lonnie Davis
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I know, I know! You might be thinking that no one has the right to tell you that your apology isn’t genuine. You might even be thinking that you know your orn heart better than anyone. True, but here is a greater principle: You are not judged by what you say. You are not judged by what you feel. You are judged by what you do. A real apology is based on what you say AND do. Here are five ingredients of a real apology.
1. A real apology is always sincere.
Obviously! We all know this, but here is the thing – it must be obvious to a typical onlooker or else it is not obvious. You can tell it is obvious by the demeanor of the person apologizing. It is also seen in the behavior that follows the apology. Any apology that brings about no change, is not a real apology.
2. A real apology must contain the expression of “I’m sorry.”
If I tell you that I know I hurt you, I have only confessed. I have not apologized.
3. A real apology accepts responsibility.
This is one of the problems of the “If” apology. “I am sorry if I hurt you” is a faulty premise. You know you hurt me so why do you have the “if” in the apology? Even if the situation was not all your fault (it usually is not), do not change the subject. You can only apologize for what you did. Be an adult and acknowledge your responsibility. Makes no excuses.
4. A real apology makes any possible restitution.
Restitution is not always possible, but when it is, then a real apology always seeks to make the other party whole again. The wounded person needs to know that restitution is coming.
5. A real apology must be given by the right person and to the right person.
You cannot apologize for someone else’s actions. You can acknowledge them and that might help, but an apology must come from the offender.
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Six types of fake apologies
1. “If” apologies.
You can recognize these by the use of the word “if.” “If” is usually a technique for ducking personal responsibility. If you hurt someone, you should apologize and change the behavior that caused the hurt. If you will not change what you are doing, then “I’m sorry” is just lip service and causes even more pain. When you don’t really know “IF” you have hurt someone, whether by accident or purpose, then get it figured out before you attempt an apology
2. Polite apologies.
There is no real substance to this type of apology. There are merely done to be polite.
3. Blameless apologies.
“I’m sorry you were hurt” is not an apology. It does not accept responsibility. I am sorry that so many people died in World War II, but I cannot apologize because I have no reponsibility for it. A real apology always accepts responsibility.
4. Appeasement apologies.
Some folks just apologize so they can appease another person and get past the preset trouble. An alcoholic is often very skilled at this kind of apology. They apologize, but not really changes.
5. Wham-Bam apologies.
This is similar to “The Polite Apology.” There is no depth to it, but rather just an automatic response. You might hear this type if someone accidentally bumps in to someone in a crowed hallway. It’s okay, but is not a real apology.
6. Tactical apologies.
When someone offers an apology just to accomplish some personal goal, then is a tactic to an end and not an apology.
Lonnie Davis
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